This post will be very personal, and a bit of venting as well. My goal is to heal and to bring healing, even if it’s just by a little, by being very vulnerable so here goes.
I am an emotional wreck right now. I need to do some spring cleaning, not just with my closet but mostly inner spring cleaning. I just got off the phone with my sister and my brother-in-law, and I had to hurry and get off because over the phone, his voice sounded just like my ex’s.
My ex….who committed suicide 6 years ago. We had broken up and left each other on bad terms just months before his death. I ignored his texts, calls, emails & Facebook messages for months. That left me with such anger, regret, and sadness for so many years. I am young, only 24, and he was all I ever knew in terms of dating.
We didn’t have a good relationship, only some good moments that I truly cherish in my heart now. Only recently have I forgiven him and have made peace with him. But I’m having a hard time moving on from him it seems. Hearing my brother-in-law’s voice over the phone made me feel so sad. It sounded way too much like that of my ex’s…
I realize that I’m still grieving. I had the hardest time admitting this to myself but writing it out on here, seeing this with my own two eyes, is helping me to embrace my emotions… even though this is really difficult.
I may have been on a few dates since then but that’s all they were…. DATES. Just dates… It never advanced further than that and out of fear I would stop talking to them because I was afraid to like a man, or fall in love ever again… I gave up on love… But now I am beginning to realize something.
These past five and a half years I have been so afraid to love again, to get hurt, to be used or abused again… But my biggest fear is that I’m afraid to fall for a great guy, a GOOD guy lol.
Although I’ve spent the last couple years getting to know myself and loving myself, I thought I could heal all that. I thought I could heal that on my own. And although I HAVE indeed healed immensely, there are still some fears that just won’t go away, that haven’t even healed but in fact have just gotten worse.
How much more, how much longer am I going to keep running away from love? It’s killing me and driving me into a depression, and I feel like I’ve been running around in circles for years, man. And I want this cycle to end.
And it’s my choice. My free will. We all have it. We truly do have more control over our lives than we think, even our love lives. So I am choosing now to take back control, to take back my life. I’m choosing to stop this endless cycle now. I’m choosing to say “Fuck it” & to finally face these fears. I’m going to prove to myself that I can overcome these beliefs. I declare this to the Universe right now!!!!!
One thing I’ve noticed about myself over the years is that I encourage others to fall in love and I always feel so happy for them when they are with someone, and I don’t believe all men are the same..only the ones who become interested in me (weird I know, haha).
We can’t heal everything on our own. We can’t always be a g-damn Super-man or -woman all the time. We need to admit this truth to ourselves more often than we think, and we need to allow ourselves to be more open and more vulnerable. It is one of the most powerful ways to heal.
Spring clean your insides, your within. Do what you are most afraid of. I will practice what I am preaching, and I will fill you in with the deets and keep you updated as well 😉
I felt really sad when I first started writing this, but now as this post comes to a close, I do still feel sad but I feel even more bold, open, brave, and risk-ayyyy (lol 😂). This is why I LOVE writing. And I encourage you to write more too, if it calls out to you.
Blissings and gentle healing, everybody 💖🌸🌿